Hey! Guess what I found in my mailbox the other day?
A letter addressed to Tom Selleck! Why didn’t somebody tell me he lived here?
Well, okay. He could have moved in while I was at my writer’s meeting.
“Tom?”
No answer.
“Mr. Selleck?”
Still no answer.
I looked for him everywhere. He wasn’t using the green telephone in the den. Or scarfing down peach yogurt in the kitchen. Or playing with Captain Underpants. Or even sitting at my computer ogling my LJ friends.
But I knew he was close by. I picked up the scent of red Ferrari exhaust. Spotted two salon-groomed moustache hairs on my memory foam pillow. Then I glanced out the bedroom window. A 6’4″ shadow whizzed by.
I catapulted outside. You’ll never guess what he said.
“Your back yard is a mess.”
“You mean Cinnamon and Nutmeg, the fawns?”
“Got any bigger deer? With racks?” He licked his lips.
“Yeah, we’ve seen a few. But we don’t believe in hunting our pets.”
Trying to distract him, I said, “Do you know any children’s book editors? You see, usually I find children’s book editors in my mailbox, with letters that say ‘NO.'”
“Bad, bad editors.”
“But today I found you. I think it might be a sign.”
“Now, listen, little lady. I’m good but I can’t work miracles.”
SIGH.““But I tell you what I’ll do.”
“You’ll fly to New York?”
“Well, no. But I’ll make a couple of calls.”
“Oh, thank you! Did I mention what a big fan of Magnum P.I. I was? How watching your series made me feel a little closer to my family and friends in Hawaii? Heck, I even liked you as Monica’s boyfriend on Friends.”
That brought a tear to his eye.
“Hey, listen. You seem like such a nice gal. I’m going to do something else for you.”
My heart pounded, my hair follicles twitched. But being Korean, I didn’t blush.
“Ms. Rattigan, I’m going to be your MUSE.”
It made perfect sense. THAT’S why my stories haven’t been good enough. I’ve been working really hard, and trying my best, but there’s only so much you can do without a muse. Think about it. All the great writers have muses:
Cynthia Lord has Milo.
Lisa Yee has Peepy and Sock Monkey.
Cynthea Liu has Snoops.
Anne Marie Pace has Penny Lane.
And Sara Lewis Holmeshas fried baloney and beets!
The Lord sure does work in mysterious ways. Just this past week, I was trying to convince Barbara O’Connor to let me borrow her mailman, Romeo. He had brought her a Parent’s Choice Award for How to Steal a Dog (Spring 2007), and the bound galleys for her new book, Greetings from Nowhere (Spring 2008). Up until yesterday, all I found in my mailbox was, well, you know.Wish I could chat with you some more, but I need to get some revisions done.
“Hi, I want to set up a conference call with FSG, Little Brown, Houghton Mifflin, Charlesbridge, Eerdmans, and Chronicle Books.”
Jama's Alphabet Soup 
Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Geez – I’m thinking maybe Tom Selleck is better than Romeo!
Hilarious post, Jama! Thanks for the laugh….
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Heh. Really, was that addressed to THE Tom Selleck? Do you know that he once lived on the island or something?
He seems like he’d be a decent muse. I love Sara’s though! Yay for beets, I say.
Jules, 7-Imp
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Jules, it was definitely meant for THE Tom Selleck, c/o the NRA (the address on the envelope is correct). Years ago, Tom and Rosie O’Donnell sparred over gun control on her show. The sender (from Arkansas), obviously thought Tom lived over at the NRA or something (Tom’s a member). But I’m not taking any chances. Maybe I should camp out at the NRA office just in case Tom shows up :).
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Re: Wherefore art thou, Romeo?
Happy to brighten your day, but if I had to choose . . .
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I think Tom Selleck will do nicely as a muse. If you can get past all of that chest hair. 🙂
Snoop says: Hey, I’m way more hare-y than that guy. What’s that supposed to mean?
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Bahahaha! That was awesome. And very hairy.
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Welcome, Kelly!
I’ll send you a few strands.
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Welcome, Cynthea!
I think Snoop is definitely onto something. Does he inspire more “hare-raising tails?”
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Oh, this was hilarious!!! And (jules aside) I think I need to work on my muse. Can’t you just picture me (like Lisa Yee with Peepy) posing all over the world with my two friends, beets and fried bologna?? Try making those into fuzzy toys. But my Polish grandma would be happy.
PS. When did hairy get to be a bad thing? It’s like the kiss of death today, but in the 70’s all the macho men had tons of hair.
Sara Lewis Holmes
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I LOVE the idea of you posing with beets and baloney (esp baloney)! Maybe you could write another epistolary novel — beets sending letters to baloney . . . I also didn’t realize hairy was a no-no until these other ladies all commented. When I picked those Tom photos, I was looking at his facial expressions. What was everybody else looking at? 🙂
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Smokin’ Mailbox
Well I’ll be; showed up in your mailbox?? Now there’s a proper Muse. Selleck’s one cool dude. Over the years we’ve often wished for more Magnum evenings. Nah, don’t pay any attention to the hair — gotta love that face!
~~Lois
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Re: Smokin’ Mailbox
Welcome, Lois! Excited to hear from you. Tom sure beats the toxic mailbox syndrome.
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Smokin’ Mailbox
Jama, Just got to thinking; did you send a personal letter to accompany THE letter, on its way to its rightful owner? Being deposited in you mailbox first, should count for something. Would be a great way to combat toxic mailbox syndrome. You’d avoid the (outside) camping experience in front of the NRA. Or, maybe we could ask them to host a Writers’ Lockdown INside the building. :o)
~~ Lois
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Re: Smokin’ Mailbox
I didn’t think to include a personal letter to go with THE letter (good idea), since I figured Tom would be able to pick up on my fingerprints on the outside envelope. Maybe we should just Fedex ourselves to Tom instead.
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