in a stew

~ jama

So yesterday I was thinking about how I’ve been blogging almost six months, and how I’ve failed all 5 of my faithful readers.

This blog is called jama rattigan’s alphabet soup: a children’s writer offers food for thought and fine whining.

Well, I’ve had so much fun eating, I forgot to whine!

So today, I’m going to make it up to you.

Sticking to our theme, of course. 

Any Seinfeld fans out there? Remember the Soup Nazi?

This character was based on a real-life soup vendor named Al Yeganeh, who ran Soup Kitchen International in midtown Manhattan. Apparently his soups were superb, but he was a meanie. Maybe moody would be a better word to describe his arbitrary granting of extra bread or candy to some customers and not others, and his insistence on everyone following his strict rules of ordering and paying up front, then quickly moving over to the left to pick up the soup. Any unsolicited comments, failure to keep the line moving, or wrong shade of lipstick could set him off with his world-famous rant: 

           

This man has inspired me. No more soft-spoken, green tea sipping, bullet biting, small Korean woman in flannel bunny pajamas who wouldn’t dare disturb the universe. No! 

Today, I decide who gets soup and who does not! 

I will make all the rules!

I will not be consistent, sensible, diplomatic or intelligible!

Just for you, my friends (all 5 of you), I will flip my lid!

Until further notice, the following people, places, things, or ideas WILL NOT be allowed to eat soup, look at soup, or even think about soup, period. You are hereby banned from the pleasures of any form of broth, consomme, stew, stock, avgolemono, billy-bi, bird’s nest, bisque, borscht, bouillabaisse, burgoo, caldo verde, callaloo, chowder, cioppino, cock-a-leekie, gazpacho, gumbo, menudo, minestrone, mulligatawny, pepper pot, pistou, potage, she-crab, or vichyssoise, for starters. Strict penalty will be enforced. No exceptions or extra crackers.

JAMA’S NO SOUP LIST 2008

1. Males who hawk gobs of phlegm onto the sidewalk or expectorate out of cars.
2. Companies who overwrap products in thick plastic which must be cut with giant shears or torn apart by a member of the World Wrestling Federation.
3. Anyone who texts or talks on the phone while driving.
4. People who pick their noses in public.
5. The person who decided eating liver was a good idea.
6. Intolerance, ignorance, or discrimination.
7. The DMV
8. Thieves, internet hackers, warmongers, or the chronically arrogant.
9. Anyone in favor of banning books.
10. Houseguests who chatter or smile before noon.
11. People who talk on cell phones in stores, libraries, restaurants, airplanes, or any other public place where others may be disturbed.
12. People who don’t like poetry or Bob Dylan or the Beatles.
13. Hecklers and bullies.
14. Murderers, child abusers, and the big green Mucinex guy.
15. Men who slather themselves in cheap cologne.
16. People who leave coffee stains and crumbs in library books.
17. Overly zealous soccer moms or dads.
18. People who talk in movie theatres.
19. Doctors who lack bedside manner.
20. Poverty.
21. People who don’t mean what they say, or don’t say what they mean.
22. Liars, cheaters, Glade air fresheners.
23. Closed minds. 
24. People who talk, but don’t listen.
25. Fair weather friends.
26. People who are impatient with children, the elderly, or the infirm.
27. Parents who don’t read to their children.
28. Parents who don’t teach their children to write thank-you notes.
29. Stupid people (read about Mr. Kurtz here).
30. Anyone who mispronounces my name. (Reference here.)
31. Telemarketers.
32. People who ask writers, “Have you published anything yet?” 

             

Mmwahahahahahahahahahaha!! (Evil world domination laugh borrowed from Jules.)

Wow. That felt good, in a strange Allen Ginsberg-y sort of way.

While we’re at it, why not stew in it some more?

Here is a delicious Green Chile Chicken Stew recipe posted last month by Sara Lewis Holmes (Read*Write*Believe). It’s easy and so satisfying! The potatoes and creamed corn give the soup a nice creaminess without the added calories or fat of a traditional creamed soup.

And if you’re in the mood for some snuggling with your kids, try Donna Koppelman’s  Snuggle Night Beef Stew. Perfect for warding off the January chill.

                     

Tell me, who’s on your NO SOUP list?

P.S. If you happen to be guilty of #30, I will accept bribes of cash or free books.

23 thoughts on “in a stew”

  2. Dude, you so should’ve served cheese soup with that whine.
    Also, I am happy that females who expectorate are not on the list. Although I bet they would be, only one so rarely sees a female spit.
    Also on the list for me:
    People who always ask kids what they want to be when they grow up. Most grown-ups don’t know. It doesn’t mean you get to ask kids for ideas, or make them all stressed out because they don’t know something.

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  3. Go, Jay-mah!!!
    You whine, girl!
    And by the way: No soup for grumpy parents who, when dropping their kids off at school, yell about the kids forgetting their homework but then forget, themselves, to say goodbye. Kids need a little hug, a little kiss, a little ‘buh-bye…

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  6. For a long time I’ve been wondering why spitting seems to be a male thing (this starts in boyhood). You’re right — females rarely spit in public. Do men just naturally produce more saliva? This is related to another male phenomenon — reading while on the toilet. Who started this practice?

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  9. Re: soup for me!
    *promises NEVER to spit again….and NEVER answer a call while driving….and*
    d’oh!
    grilled cheese sandwich, please…

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  10. No soup–not ever–to those who leave their grocery carts flying loose in the parking lot.
    And no soup to drivers who play music with X-rated lyrics so loudly that I’m forced to listen.
    LOTS of soup to Jama, for making me laugh today.

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  17. Uh oh. Party guilty of #30 reporting for punishment. Hum–I do have a few nice cookbooks I’ve never even used. Jamie Oliver does look cute on his covers. And he does have the right sound on the first syllable of his name.
    Also, I would add to the list–people who don’t care at all about doing their jobs well. I’m talking to YOU Starbucks servers who take 10 minutes to notice customers because they’re too busy talking and YOU cashiers who think you should finish you’re conversations with other cashiers before you deign to slide the food over the scanner.

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  19. What a great list! I get so annoyed with people in #3 who drive the huge cars and trucks and are on their phone and think they are the only ones with a right on the road. Drives me crazy.

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  21. No soup for:
    People who tell kids, after not seeing them for months or years, “You’ve gotten so big!”
    People who think that you only have to stop at a red light if you feel like it.
    People who practically mow down pedestrians in the crosswalk and then give them dirty looks for daring to try to cross the street.
    People who use cell phones in rest rooms. (Who ARE they talking to?)
    People who leave their barking dogs out in the yard, especially late at night or early in the morning.
    People who take up two parking spaces with one car.
    People who ignore the “Please turn off your cell phones” announcement at the beginning of a performance.
    Media persons who try to get presidential candidates to snipe at one another, because it makes for spicier sound bites than if the candidates stick to the issues.
    Media persons who think that if they ask a question in an extremely whiny tone of voice, it qualifies as “hard-hitting journalism.”
    Whoever decides that the same TV commercial should be shown approximately 45 times during a single show.

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  22. These are so, so good! I agree 100% with all of them. I’m the only person on the planet who doesn’t own a cell phone so I have a lot of issues with inconsiderate use there. Lots of driving things also easily make the list. It really all boils down to lack of common consideration, people being in too much of a rush, and basically unaware that there are other people in the world besides them.

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